November brings with it a lot of reasons to celebrate, but one that is fairly new to me is National Adoption Awareness Month. Adoption has played a large part in my life and so, I want to do this activity that many of my fellow birth mothers are taking part in. It has only been for a couple years that I have even been open about this part of me, but I feel like now is a good opportunity to bare my soul on the matter in the hopes that it may touch even one person that might need to hear it. I am also posting this on my blog because I think all of these talking points are things that I want my children to know about me. It helps me in my healing process and gives me strength to just be who I am, without shame, without guilt; even if it is with 796 of my closest Facebook friends (an anyone who might read my blog). So, with shaking hands and racing heart, here go my 30 days of #birthmomphotoaday.
Day 1- About me: I was almost 17 when I discovered I was pregnant. I placed my baby girl into a closed adoption through LDS Family Services in April of 1995. I was able to choose the adoptive parents and gave birth in Southern Utah while living with my grandparents. I spent 2 days in the hospital with her before the social worker came to take her to her new family. I decided to stay in Utah to go to college where I graduated and eventually was married and had 4 more children. While I had never forgotten about my baby girl, the nature of closed adoption allowed me to just move on with life, which was what I thought was that best thing to do, and really I had no idea if I would truly ever meet her. I was preparing myself for the possibility that it may never happen, with the hope in the back of my mind that someday a red-head would come knocking on my door, looking for me. Well, it didn't happen exactly that way, but it happened. In February 2013, after her mom made contact with me, I finally met that little baby girl again, only she had become a beautiful 17 year old young woman...and very red-head. The past couple years has been a blessing and a trial for me as I now learn to navigate what has become an open adoption, even though my daughter is now an adult. I realized that I am not as 'over it' as I always thought I was. I realized that I missed her so much more than I ever even knew. I realized that the hole in my heart was so much bigger than anyone could have convinced me a few years ago. I realized that I now have to be stronger than I ever thought possible and on some days, it just doesn't happen.I realized that I was good enough to be her mother but I chose to give her more than I was able. My adoption is love, faith, healing, grief and gratitude to the good people who love my daughter and have made her the amazing person she is and that loved me enough to bring her back into my life.