The Bible in a Nutshell

This was sent to me in an email. I thought it was hilarious. Had to share.


A class was told to write a book report on: 'The Bible'. The teacher so loved one child's report that she put in on the school's website:

'The Bible in a Nutshell'

"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must have been a little older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did, so then God made the world. He split an Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating a bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars yet. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million or something.
One of the next most important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would like to have a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really colorful loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy was Moses, but his real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the whole town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that sure doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then was barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry much about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact I was, Mom!')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that it's why they named that terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. The Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just stood there and washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of The Revolution."

I think this all pretty much sums it up!

I WILL WEAR PINK

Found this Poem. Love it.

I will wear pink

With pride

In celebration of those who have won their battle

Looking forward to the future, when one day we will find a cure

Living well, Loving much, and Laughing often

With excitement over the advances we have made

Eagerly awaiting the advancements yet to come

Always

Remembering those that we have lost

Promising to show my support

In honor of all of those currently fighting the battle

Never giving up….

Knowing that There Is Hope!

© 2007 Becky L Sabino

Braiden Got his WOLF!!

Braiden officially earned his Wolf in Cub Scouts! I must admit that it was through no help from me. I am totally retarded when it comes to Cub Scouts. Quinn has been really good to help Braiden acheive this goal.
Braiden was so excited to finally get his Wolf. He turns 9 on May 20th so the time was getting shorter and shorter. I was afraid it wasn't going to happen. I am so glad the Braiden has shown an interest in Scouts. I know its a good program for out little Hoodlums, I mean sons! :)
At the same pack meeting Braiden performed a disappearing paper clip magic trick. Very cool!
WAY TO GO BUDDY!!

~Lynn Jay Lundberg~ My Grandfather~

I am wrinting this post from St George, UT where my Grandma and Grandpa Lundberg (mom's parents) live. I decided to come down here because last week my Grandpa had a heart attack that set off his internal defibrillator and sent him flying to the floor. His heart has stopped numerous times since then and his doctor has assured my grandmother that his heart will stop , and will not start re-start, any day now.

I have had the awesome opportunity to gain a strong loving relationship with my Grandparents over the years as they have helped my family through times of trouble and always been around for times of celebration. They have been "foster" parents to us at certain points and have always been an example of strength, love, and righteousness to those they meet.

My Grandpa, Lynn Jay Lundberg, has always been a man of many stories and of lessons that have changed and strengthened me in times of need. He is a spritually driven, highly educated, mechanically inclined, and well spoken example of a person. Through his work as a marriage and family therapist over the years he has changed so many lives. We would joke that he would never make a living out of this if he didn't stop fixing people so fast. I knew that if I let him, Grandpa would begin "therapizing" me without me even knowing it but it ALWAYS made me feel better. Through our growing up years, it has been a well known fact that Grandpa, as the patriarch of his family, had to show approval for any big step that was to be taken in our lives. He has met just about every boyfriend and girlfriend of a serious nature in the family as his approval has always been whole-heartedly sought after.

When I go visit Grandma & Grandpa it is always known that all gum is to be spit out, no loud chewing sounds are permitted. Remove all visible body piercings and cover all tattoos. Do not use the word "try". Always wear shoes and for heavens sake: "In or out, but SHUT THE DOOR!" If you know my grandpa then you know exactly what I am talking about.

As I have spent the last few days with my Grandparents, in their home, I have reflected frequently on all the memories we have made across the years. I am so amazed by the love that they have for their children, grand-children, great grandchildren and for eachother. They have been married for 62 years. What an awesome feat! They were eachothers first loves. This family has had a fair share of trials over the years. Each of their children has suffered in one way or another and through it all, there they were, by their sides to help and support in any way they could.

I look at Grandpa now. Today. This morning. And I see a weary man. Who is tired of being sick and in pain. Who sits and listens intently to Grandma and my Aunt plan every detail of his funeral. Who watches us clean and de-junk his home and get rid of his personal things, knowing full well that soon he won't be here to enjoy them but that they will soon become a burden to Grandma. I see him look at Grandma and already miss her because she won't be where he is going for a while. I see him worry that she won't be ok without him. I look in his tired eyes as I give him a blanket or bring him his dinner and know that he loves me so much. He is so proud of me and what I have done with my life. He knows me. I see him looking at the pictures of my children with tears in his eyes and marvel at how beautiful a posterity he has. I see him asleep peacefully in his chair and wonder just how long it will be before he finally does leave us. That day has never seemed far off but also seems like it may never happen. I wish i could make him better. I wish he could be with us forever. But I know his time is near and he is going to a better place to gain his eternal exaltation that he has surely earned.

I love him and I love who he is.

My Grandfather.

ADDENDUM TO THIS ENTRY ADDED APRIL 23rd...

My Father's Heart
By Betsy Bates

The Dr. says it’s weakened
The heart within his chest
This never would be possible
I know my Father best.

He is a man of strength
His stride was never broken
Straight and strong were his steps
Complaining words not ever spoken.

He thrives on all there is
He is a man of knowledge
This man and all his wisdom
used the world as his college.

Its true as all will say
That never far behind
The man in all his greatness
Is his wife’s gentle mind.

The slowly beating heart
At the end of great men’s lives
Is just a way God prepares it
To hand it to his wife

My father’s love never faltered
He knew where it belongs
Within his children’s souls and minds
His heart continues to beat strong.

There is a part of him in us
The family he leaves behind
The hearts of all his children
Beat strong and intertwined.

The Dr. says it’s weakened
The heart within his chest
This never would be possible
I know my Father best.

Family Photo Op

Last weekend we had PERFECT weather for a whole day before it started snowing again so we quickly threw together a Watson Family Photo. Turned out pretty good other then the fact that Braiden had his finger up his nose for EVERY picture. I was obviously in a spot that I could not see him so this was not discovered until I uploaded the pics. Don't worry...he has been beaten. :)
~Erickson Family April 2008~

Paiges First Mommy Photo shoot

I love taking candid photos of my kids and this was a particular favorite. I am certainly no professional photographer. I can barely turn the camera on but I do love to play with it and see what happens. Below is the slideshow of Paige's first Mommy photoshoot.

2 1/2 year old for sale or rent!!

So you would think that since I have been a mom for almost 9 years now that I would have learned that silence is NEVER a good thing especially when the child is nowhere to be found. Lately Paige has been fond of finding some devious thing to do or get into and she goes into her room and closes the door. So I now know that if I am not sure of Paige's where abouts and there is a strange silence AND her bedroom door is shut...be scared...be very, very scared.

So I came across this teddy bear homicide the other day after Paige figured out that if she could get her little fingers in between the stitching then she could probably disembowel the poor bear.

She showed no shame or remorse for that one...
Next Day...
I found the child covered head to toe in baby powder. Again, in her room, again, with the door shut.
Its a good thing I can't live without her because some days I am not sure I can live WITH her!
Silly girl...

What Happens in Vegas...

For all those who were eagerly awaiting the results of the Pizza Festiva Gourmet Pizza Competition here you go:

We went to Vegas last week, April 1-3rd and had a great time hanging out. My mom was there from day one working her rear off to get things ready for the competition and she did a great job under all the pressure. There were tons of people watching and waiting to taste the pizza as well as TV cameras from the Food Network catching every twist and turn of the competetors. But did she break a sweat? Oh no, she was smooth as a hot knife through butta...(butter).

Luke was also in the back running between ovens and getting everything ready. He was a huge help. There were eight total pizzas competing and my personal belief is that our pizza was the best. Really I am not biased whatsoever. I honestly think that I don't know what the definition of gourmet actually is. It must mean the freakiest combination of ingredients wins.
Cobblestone Cafe's Macho Nacho was cut after the first round. Boooooooo!! Some Austalian dudes (who knew Aussies could cook pizza?) won the first and second prize with some wierd "gourmet" combination of lamb, ,lettuce and mushrooms. Ick! Gag me. How do you like that sportsmanship? Well al that matters is that we had fun. Even at the Pizza Expo. We ate our way through that convention center and I can easily say that I will be happy to never eat pizza again. Ok, give me a week but you know how that goes. We also visited the regular mormon hot spots in Vegas. The M&M Factory, the Coke Museum, etc. I am surprised I didn't die of second-hand smoke exposure but the weather was beautiful and we did have a good time. We were certainly ready to come home when we did.

Check out the video. This is my mom presenting our pizza to the judges. She was awesome! So we didn't win any medals but hey, we made it to the Olympics. Darn Aussies...

Go Cobblestone!

BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!

So as I mentioned before, I have a co-worker who is undergoing chemo for Breast Cancer and she has officially lost her hair. She, however, is beautiful with or without hair. For fun my co-workers all decided to find bald caps and take this photo. I would shave my head for real but, um, it's still really cold here. I need my mane. I though this was pretty funny and we had a great time taking this pic. Love you Rebecca!

Post 110!!!

This is officially my 110th Blogger post. I was reminded to even look at how many posts I had by my beautiful friend Brenda who recently celebrated her 100th post. I am amazed that I have let my thoughts be recorded online for the world to see 110 times... All those who know me understand that I am a relatively quiet person and generally I don't share a whole lot about myself unless asked. Well this BLOG has been my correction of that problem so in celebration I am actually going to share 110 things about myself. Thanks Brenda!

1. I am the oldest of 10, yes, 10 kids. Flesh and blood. 11 if you count my sweet step-sister, Christy.
2. I grew up in Southern and Central Cali.
3. Still claim California as my home although I have lived in Utah for 13 years.
4. I play the flute.
5. I am a Registered Nurse.
6. I love traveling although I don't get to do as much as I would like.
7. I have been married twice. No others in the plans. :)
8. I am very quiet when I am in pain.
9. I really don't like being pregnant although I do love feeling my baby. My pregnancies are fairly uncomplicated so far but I hat getting fat, swollen, achy, sick, tired, headaches, etc.
10. I would have 5 more babies if they are all as sweet as my little Cameron.
11. I do, strangely, enjoy the labor and delivery part of motherhood.
12. I never actually aspired to be a nurse while growing up. It just happened that I was interested.
13. I am a scientifically inclined person vs artistic.
14. I hate cooking. Thank goodness Eric cooks or we would starve.
15. I ocassionally get a wild hair and cook a cool dessert or casserole. (Not totally domestically retarded)
16. I am a neat freak when it comes to my house.
17. I hate clutter.
18. I love it when Braiden walks on my back. He is the perfect weight right now.
19. I secretly LOVE frosted animal cookies. You know those ones that leave a waxey film on your mouth? ha.
20. My friends used to tease me because I rarely cried at sappy movies, etc.
21. I cried when all three of my kids were born.
22. I have 5 piercings in my left ear and 3 in my right. Sick, I know...teenage rebellion. I dont wear them now.
23. I have a tattoo on my right inside ankle of a hawaiin hibiscus flower. Got it in Hawaii after divorce...another rebellion? Who knows. I like it though, I am kinda attached to it. ha
24. My first kiss was when I was 14 in my front yard with Pat Eaves. Sorry Pat. Hope that doesn't ruin your reputation. :)
25. I hate it when telemarketers call.
26. I used to be a telemarketer.
27. I was a phlebotomist for 10 years. Still can't help but notice peoples veins.

28. I have a terrible self image and am scared to mass it on to my kids.

29. Have been told that I have a pretty smile.

30. Have naturally strawberry-blonde hair but work very hard to get the red out. Sorry Dad.

31. I prefer silver to gold.

32. I love wearing coordinating jewelry.

33. Not very good at coordinating jewelry.

34. I just took my Medical Coder Certification (AAPC) Exam this morning. Took 5 hours.

35. I love watching cartoons with my kids and reminiscing about the cartoons I watched when I was little.

36. I barely remember a word that the sealer said when Eric and I got married. Bad?

37. I like watching football only if I am there. Cant watch it on TV. Its too hard to follow.

38. I was there when the Cougars beat the Utes in Nov 2007.

39. I LOVE Disneyland.

40. I am a Mary Kay Independant Beauty Consultant.

41. My greatest fear is not being able to save my kids if they are in trouble.

42. I have a nightmare all the time where there is a flood and I can't get all my kids out of the car in time. Any one know what that means?

43. I love participating in charity runs.

44. Hate to run but will for charity.

45. I love to work out. It helps me escape.

46. Used to swim butterfly in high school.

47. I really want to swim competetively again someday but not sure how.

49. I seek approval from others alot.

50. Always afraid to appear dumb to people.

51. I am a pretty smart person.

52. I am a perfectionist.

53. Eric and I had a perfect wedding day. No problems, no complaints.

54. I miss old friends.

55. Love keeping in touch with old friends.

56. Have had my heart broken a few times.

57. I have broken a couple hearts.

58. I have a birthmark on my right calf that looks like a fish.

59. I have 3 nieces: Abby, Baylee and Zoey

60. My family owns and runs a pizza restaurant.

61. I hate hearing people eat/ chew. #1 pet peave.

62. I cried at President Hinckleys funeral.

63. I love interior design. If i had it all to do over again, would have done that.

64. I love Kathy Van Zeeland purses. I have 5. Want more. Sick.

65. I am addicted to blogging.

66. I have a fairly messy car.

67. I have 3 kids.

68. I love Diet Coke.

69. Am currently NOT drinking Diet Coke too regularly. Yeah for me.

70. Love dressing up Paige in all sorts of girly fashion. She hates it.

71. Have a very full closet.

72. Love shopping for clothes.

73. I love having a pretty bed. I am anal about bed-making.

74. Love sleeping in with Eric but dont get to very often.

75. Eric and I go to movies often if we have a baby sitter.

76. My church calling is librarian for 2.5 years now. I can run that copy machine like no other.

77. I had my wisdom teeth until 1.5 years ago.

78. I have never had braces.

79. I love hanging out with my sisters and sis-in-law. We have a blast together.

80. HATE clutter. Did I already say that?

90. Hate Simpsons, Family Guy etc. I think those are the bane of humanity.

91. Love Home and Garden Channel.

92. Love period peice movies. Pride and Prejudice, Robin Hood , Braveheart, etc.

93. Enjoy reading muder and medical mystery.

94. Love Law and Order, Lost, CSI Las Vegas, Desparate Housewives, House and House Hunters.

95. Used to love Sex in the City. SSSSHHHHH!

96. LOVE Brighton Jewelry.

97. I will pester my husband when he is in a bad mood to talk to me about it. He hates that.

98. I like Gwen Stefani music and perfume.

99. I own 14 bottles of perfume and I wear them all. (Not at the same time)

100. I love my Grandma and Grandpa Lundberg like they are my parents. We are very close.

101. I wish my mom and I were closer than we are but I am grateful she lives so close by.

102. I used to collect Barbies. I have alot of them.

103. I love taking my kids to the zoo and the aquarium. They have so much fun seeing the animals.

104. I had a dogs named Milly, Nubby, and Georgie.

105. I am very forgiving. Sometimes too forgiving.

106. I am very grateful for my beliefs. They make me who I am, no doubt.

107. I love my husband.

108. Someday I want to have plastic surgery. On what? Not telling...

109. I am very dedicated...when I put my mind to something I do it.

110. I am a sucker for anything having to do with Breast Cancer Awareness. I love pink ribbons.